JOKES OF THE WEEK
How many ears does Captain Kirk have?
Three. The left ear, the right ear, and the final front-ear
Why do melons have weddings?
They cantelope
What do you call a sheep who can sing and dance?
Lady Ba Ba
Which vegetable has the best kung fu?
Broc-Lee
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What do you call a monkey in a mine field?
A Baboooom!
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Just really Good Dad Jokes
Why wasn’t the cactus invited to hang out with the mushrooms?
He wasn’t a fungi.
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Why can't a nose be 12 inches long?
Because then it would be a foot.
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What’s the difference between the bird flu and the swine flu?
One requires tweetment and the other an oinkment.
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​How much do rainbows weigh?
Not much. They’re actually pretty light.
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I found a lion in my closet the other day! When I asked what it was doing there, it said “Narnia business.”
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Why did the electric car feel discriminated against?
Because the rules weren't current.
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Why can't dinosaurs clap their hands?
Because they're extinct.
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How many ears does Captain Kirk have?
Three. The left ear, the right ear, and the final front-ear
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​What has four wheels and flies?
A garbage truck.​​​​​​​​​​​​​​
Space Dad Jokes
What is a spaceman’s favorite chocolate?
A Mars Bar
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Why did the cow go in the spaceship?
It wanted to see the moooooon!
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What do planets like to read?
Comet books
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Why don’t aliens eat clowns?
Because they taste funny
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What did the alien say to the cat?
Take me to your litter. ​​​​​​​​​​​​​
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What do you call a loony spaceman?
An astronut
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Why did the people not like the restaurant on the moon?
Because there was no atmosphere
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Why didn't the sun go to college?
Because it already had a million degrees
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How does the man-in-the-moon cut his hair?
Eclipse it
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What kind of plates do they use in space?
Flying saucers
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How does NASA organize a party?
They planet.
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Why don’t scientists trust atoms?
They make up everything.
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Super Silly Dad Jokes
What do dentists call x-rays?
Tooth pics.
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What do you call fake fettuccine?
Impasta.
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Why are crabs bad at sharing?
They’re shellfish.
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Why did the ghost go to rehab?
He was addicted to boos.
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What happens when a frog’s car breaks down?
It gets toad.
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What did the ocean say to the ocean?
Nothing. It just waved.
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What did the Buddhist ask at the ice cream shop?
Make me one with everything
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Where do snowmen get loans?
Snowbanks.
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Why was Cinderella kicked off her soccer team?
She kept running away from the ball.
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Why did the golfer bring an extra pair of pants?
Just in case he got a hole in one.
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What’s the difference between in-laws and outlaws?
Outlaws are wanted.
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What kind of dogs make the best car racers?
Lap dogs.
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What do you call a sheep who can sing and dance?
Lady Ba Ba.
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Why are Christmas trees bad at knitting?
They always drop their needles.
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What did Elvis say to his landscaper?
Thank you for the mulch
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What has four wheels and flies?
A garbage truck.
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Animal Dad Jokes
Why wasn’t the cactus invited to hang out with the mushrooms?
He wasn’t a fungi.
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Why can't a nose be 12 inches long?
Because then it would be a foot.
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What’s the difference between the bird flu and the swine flu?
One requires tweetment and the other an oinkment.
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What do you call an elephant in a telephone booth?
Stuck.
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​How much do rainbows weigh?
Not much. They’re actually pretty light.
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I found a lion in my closet the other day! When I asked what it was doing there, it said “Narnia business.”
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What do you say when a chicken is looking at salad?
Chicken sees a salad.
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What family does the zebra belong to?
Can't say, none of the families in our neighborhood owns a zebra.
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What is the cutest creature in the sea?
A cuddlefish.
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What do you call a fish with no eyes?
Fshhhh
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What do you get when you cross a parrot with a caterpillar?
A little walkie-talkie.
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Quick One Liners
It’s hard to explain things to kleptomaniacs. They always take things literally.
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I got rid of my vacuum. All it was doing was collecting dust.
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There wasn’t a dry eye at the wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.
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Today got rid of some dead batteries. I gave them away, free of charge.
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You don't need a parachute to go skydiving. You need one to go skydiving twice.
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I only know 25 letters of the alphabet. I don't know y.
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My wife is really mad at the fact that I have no sense of direction. So I packed up my stuff and right
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Did you hear the rumor about butter? Well, I'm not going to spread it
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Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself? It was two tired
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When two vegans get in an argument, is it still called a beef?
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You think swimming with sharks is expensive? Swimming with sharks cost me an arm and a leg.
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